Clean

"The sky turned black like the perfect storm."

Disclaimer: Very aware this sky is not black like a perfect storm.

Disclaimer: Very aware this sky is not black like a perfect storm.

When my relationship ended last year - 18th of August 2015, if we're being precise, and not that I'm keeping track or anything - my first port of call was Taylor Swift. Who better to sing you songs about heartbreak, right?

All the tracks I'd once listened to and simply appreciated for being a good song suddenly had so much weight behind them. 

I spent weeks playing I Almost Do on repeat, before moving onto All too Well and eventually Breathe. All in all it was very therapeutic and, because the last thing I ever want to do is actually talk about my emotions to real people, it was almost akin to talking it over.

Then, on 15th May 2016 - still being precise here - it finally happened. I had my long awaited Clean moment.

Let me set the scene: It started off with the beginnings of a very light-hearted blog post about everyone's favourite dating app. Feeling slightly disenchanted with the whole swiping thing, I figured that, if I wasn't gaining anything else, I may as well get some good blog material out of it. Just call me Carrie Bradshaw.

As I was typing away, the words "I think I'm finally ok. Actually I'm really happy." appeared on the screen in front of me. And, in that moment, suddenly all the pieces started to fit together and I knew I'd finally got there. I understood Clean.

So I played the song and spent the 4 minutes 31 seconds to follow crying. But, for the first time in months, they weren't tears of anger or loss or sadness. In fact, the only way I can think to describe them is just, Clean. And then I cried some more, because people tell you that one day you'll be ok, and for so long you wait and wonder and then out of nowhere, you realise they were right.

So I suppose, for anyone else who is still in their All Too Well stage, you too will have your Clean moment and, when you do, suddenly it will all make sense.

"She lost him but she found herself and somehow that was everything."