How nice would it be go an entire day without feeling anxious?
Some days I nearly make it. I think even some days I do make it, but I don’t remember those so the last one must have been a while back. Most days I don’t.
Sundays I definitely don’t. And of course no one likes Sunday evenings. No one likes the clock reading 6:55pm and suddenly the weekend’s over and you’d better start thinking about the week ahead; but how nice would it be to simply dislike it?
I can have a lie in and wake up feeling somewhat refreshed, even though I’ve been exhausted for weeks now and can’t seem to make it go away. I can open the curtains and make a cup of tea and eat four rich tea biscuits and think that today is probably going to be ok because I have no plans and I can tidy my wardrobe and go to Tesco. So I clear out my wardrobe and charity bag the things I’m not going to sell and list everything else on Depop. And I’ll list it all for £5 plus postage because I was only going to give it to charity anyway.
I can scroll through Instagram and look at photos of brunch and dogs and the colourful front doors of strangers' in London, only to be interrupted by a notification. I have a message on Depop, undoubtedly from someone who wants to buy one of my previously listed £5 items. But what if they’re going to ask if I’ll take lower? And then I’ll have to respond. And then they’ll respond? And then – you get the point. So I’ll just turn off notifications for now and leave that until later.
I can have a second cup of tea, and decide to drive to Tesco to buy lunch for the week. I won’t worry about doing my hair, because it’s a Sunday afternoon and who really cares anyway? But it turns out that Tesco is quite busy and I can’t remember where everything lives because I usually go to Sainsbury’s and I’m now very aware that I didn’t worry about doing my hair and I also remember not putting on mascara and suddenly now I care. There's too many people. And I’ve walked up and down the same aisle too many times looking for the yoghurts I wanted, so I only buy some rice cakes and satsumas. It’s fine. I didn’t need the yoghurts anyway. I’ll just go home.
I can get home and have a third cup of tea and finally respond to my Depop messages because what was I even worried about anyway? I’ll make some avocado on sour dough and have a bath and use up the last of my bubble bar and try and enjoy the rest of my Sunday. But now it’s almost 7pm and I need to make lunch and I haven’t decided what to wear tomorrow. And what if I can’t concentrate at work tomorrow? What if I wake up exhausted again and my eyes hurt and I have another bad week?
I can put on a film to distract myself. Except an hour later I’m only one minute in. Because I can’t concentrate and I had to write about it right now so that the hundreds of thoughts whirling around in my head have somewhere to go. And I can’t stop thinking about how nice it would be to go an entire day without feeling anxious.