I’ve lost count of the amount of times I’ve tried to write about this past year. The thing is, I have a lot of feelings about the past 365 days, but when it comes to actually putting pen to paper (no really, I like handwriting posts first) I’m suddenly lost for all words aside from “This has been the worst year so far.”
Except it hasn’t. Worst is unfair. Worst implies bad things have happened when, truly, a lot of very good things have happened. So, as much as my brain wants be to use the word ‘worst’, I think I’ll stick with ‘hardest’ instead. Because 2017 has been one rather big, rather incomprehensible whirlwind of change and emotions and enough tears to fill enough Lush-fuelled bubble baths.
It’s not been all bad. In fact, a lot of good things have happened. I left a job. I moved to London, away from all of my friends and family, and managed to survive the process. I visited the south of France and Rome and Paris and did multiple trips to various locations around the UK. I started a new job. Worked on a brilliant event. Met so many fantastic new people. And finally, after almost three years of short-term contracts, got offered and started what I’m sure 15-year-old me would have deemed a ‘dream job’.
And yet I can’t process it. It’s as though I’m watching someone else’s life. As much as I’m very very aware of everything I’ve done, I can’t quite bring myself to feel it. Either that or I’m feeling too much of something I can’t quite put my finger on, and it all becomes really quite overwhelming. There’s rarely any in between and, and points, it's felt like I've lost entire months of my year from not being 100% ok and effectively shutting down. I still don't really know how to refer to it, but let's just say that the whole month of June is one big blur.
I’d like to say I’m ending the year with some kind of closure, some kind of answer to how I’ve been feeling. I used to hate writing things that didn’t have an ending – but I suppose not everything needs an ending and maybe it’s not each post, but the entire blog that’s the story. So, for now, I’m ending the year wearing my comfiest loungewear, watching Black Mirror and with the plan to just take each day as it comes.